Contemplation
by Ellelephante
Summary: Butch Deloria plays with the idea of leaving the vault - what will he gain from leaving and what he'll lose.


It's getting particularly boring in the vault, especially with Amata and her dad fighting. At first he thought it would be pretty entertaining to see Amata go up against the Overseer but as the issue progressed he found the topic dry. Reduced to painting various levels of profanity and other inappropriate vandalism to all the posters, he had already decided awhile ago that he wanted to get the hell out of here. Sometimes he regrets not going with James' kid. (Too bad he couldn't bring himself to look the kid in the eye after the whole radroach incident.)

To be honest, he's pretty fed up with the place. He has nothing going for him here, with his mom's drinking problem and all. Not to mention the fact that Paul kicked the bucket way too soon and Wally Mack became and total nancy boy and left his fellow snakes. When he's lying on his sad excuse for a bed, he sees the metal ceiling of the vault and can't help but feel all alone. He then tells himself that he's stupid so he goes out and rummages for a beer or something to keep the emotions in check. He just doesn't know what more he could do here at this supposed paradise.

He would have left way sooner if it weren't for that damn Amata. He's always had a thing for Amata, not that she'd let anyone out with her organization in the mix. Sure she's pretty but he's almost sure he likes her because Vault 101 isn't exactly thriving in variety. It isn't like they ever got along well either - just last month he tried to ask her a question and she told him to piss off. Sucks, because he was going to try to get her to tell the location of all the booze she was hiding away.

Then again he wouldn't have bothered to remember last month if he hadn't caught the way Amata's voice softened playfully at the end of her retort. He's convinced that he has a way with the ladies for sure, but he isn't one of those romantic fools. Like hell he was a corn ball like that Sinatra. Amata isn't his type anyway, it's just that the vault is severely lacking, really. He wouldn't even grace her with a second look if she wasn't so blessed with an attitude so assertive you practically had to listen to her. She's a hell of alot more assertive now that she's decided to run a freaking rebellion against her own daddy. Like she could really do any damage anyway, once a daddy's girl always a daddy's girl.

He remembers the first time she really spoke about it because it's the first time they actually really had a conversation that wasn't pointless banter (or irritated comments on her behalf.) He was poking through the medical supplies because he was feeling under the weather and she was sitting at James' desk all concentrated like. Just when he was about to call it quits and suck it up like man, she leapt from her spot, slamming her hands against the table.

"We're going to open the -" she exclaimed, but then realizing his company she faltered and mumbled the rest.

"You been takin' jet or somethin'?" She gawked at the assumption. "Open what?"

"The Vault," She finished. "We'll die if we keep it closed."

At the time he thought she was totally crazy. He wouldn't have truly considered the possibility of leaving if she hadn't brought it up. However it sounded like the perfection solution to the festering emotional wreck that he felt he'd have to succumb to if he stayed any longer. Naturally, he was all for it.

"Well look at that, lil' Amata's has a brain. You got Butch's blessing." He propped himself up on the table, one leg hanging off the side. "You gonna go run off and tell Daddy that?"

"I'm serious Deloria." He was surprised at her tone. "This place is almost in the pits. My best friend would have agreed with me."

He really wishes he didn't catch on how she choked she was when she spoke of James' kid. They were real good friends. He knows because he has a scar from a punch to the face he got on the G.O.A.T day to remind him. Running a group of people wasn't exactly an easy job. Obviously he'd know. When the Tunnel Snakes were in their prime he always had to make it look like Wally wasn't the coolest but it was hard because Wally was kinda taller than him.

"Guess you'll just have to settle with me." He flashed her a sickeningly cheesy grin, made his fingers into a gun and sounded off two clicking noises like he saw from a bunch of old movies.

Amata had stared so blankly at him he thought she was going to slap him across the face right then and there, but when she just held his gaze for a couple of moments with such a hopeful smile he couldn't help but feel baffled and pissed off all at once. Of course it didn't make it any better when she simply patted him on the back and replied, "guess so" before leaving the room.

Maybe that's why he got so irrationally angry when he heard that Amata had sent out a radio signal. He had thought that things were going kind of okay - save for the lies, the killing, and the tension among the citizens. He kind of felt like this was his gang too because Amata would always give him things to organize and things to do. She'd tell him to go and try to find supplies in the upper levels and he'd do it no problem. It wasn't like he was some kind of kiss ass but it gave him something to do. It wasn't so bad being involved with everything, and the name they had earned for themselves as "rebels" which sounded cool.

"Why'd you call out to that goody-two-shoes anyway?" he had asked her one day after she brought him lunch. "You must think the kid is king's shit to come back here."

She shrugged, taking a bite out of her sandwich, "I think it's best if we call out to someone who's left."

"Yeah but c'mon Amata who the hell would want to help a crap hole like this?"

He hated how she was so serious all the time. She thought she was so different from her father but if they didn't have such conflicting ideals, they'd be a lot alike. Both of them were stiff as hell. Sometimes he can't believe Amata threw a surprise party at one point in her life. Thing is, Amata was pushy, and firm, and strong but never mad. He thought she was doing a real good job about keeping cool when it came to her daddy issues. That's probably why he felt really bad when she punched him in the nose right then and there.

"Aren't we helping a "crap hole" like this?" She looked at him with such disappointment that it made him feel like scum. He didn't know what to do at the time so he just got really worked up. He wasn't one for dealing with such deep and personal issues.

"Yeah, and look where that's got everyone princess." He took the remainder of the lunch she'd given him and smashed it beneath his boot. "We're holed up and everyone wants to kill each other."

"I thought you were in this with me!" He couldn't believe how shocked she was. Like hell she really expected him to be some loyal member. Well even if he sometimes felt like he was he reaffirmed his feelings for leaving for good right then and there. "Or what now? You're going to leave? You won't last a week."

He could feel the warmth from the blood dripping out his nose slide over the top of his lips but he didn't bother wiping them. "I'm Butch Deloria and I can do whatever the hell I want! I don't need or care about anyone here so what's the point? This place is long gone and you know it!"

"You're just saying that," she said, her eyes concentrated on the tiny red splatters on the floor. "You're just saying that."

He doesn't really know if he was just saying that or if he actually meant it, but James' kid is back in the vault trying to help out and he's pretty sure Amata will be more than thrilled. He hasn't spoken properly to her in a really long time and it he thinks it must really suck for her because who doesn't want to talk to him? Thing is, now that Amata's precious best friend is back he has to really make choices. If anyone can solve something it's that kid. The Vault will open up and it'll be high time to get out of there because something might happen again and it could close. He already missed the opportunity once and he isn't going to miss it again.

He's short with the lone wanderer because so what if the kid is their personal saviour. Whatever. The meeting only helped remind him why he wanted out of this place anyway. He probably looked so not cool standing next to someone who's faced peril outside. There was a whole other world out there that didn't have him in it! So when the issue is resolved by a miracle called persuasion, he takes a bunch of stimpaks and kabobs and gets ready to leave for good.

He says bye to his mom who doesn't believe in him either and says that she'll see him in a few weeks dead. Then he contemplates saying bye to his Tunnel Snakes but decides that there will be greater and better people to associate himself with later on. Last person he thinks of is Amata and that's all he really thinks about while making his way downstairs to the exit.

His hand rests on the controls and he listens to the humming of his pip boy for a few moments. He doesn't want to doubt himself either but there is a reason why everyone is so afraid of leaving.

"So you're really going?" It's her. "Um. Good luck. You know? Out there."

The fact that she came to see him off almost sent him flying into the clouds but even that's something he won't admit to himself. He's smooth, or so he thinks when he turns around and rests his elbows on the control panel. She looks out of breath, like she ran to catch him or something, and he toys with the thought of her actually giving a damn about him leaving for good.

"Yeah princess," he scoffs, curving his lips into a smirk. "You gonna miss me?"

It's quiet for a really long time and he honestly thinks that his pip boy is broken or something because the humming seems to have gotten louder. He's staring right at her but she's looking at the rusted floor with glossy eyes and he really hopes she doesn't start crying. Even if it would make him feel good, he doesn't know how to deal with chicks, let alone Amata.

"Why don't you come with me?" He wants to stab himself because it didn't come out as sarcastically as he wanted it to. He was really asking her, really wanting her to come and he didn't want to know why. He suddenly finds himself looking at the floor too.

"I can't, even if I wanted to."

"Would you want to?"

He sounds really pathetic right now and he's trying his best to make it all sound like a joke but it isn't working.

"I don't know," she sighs.

He wishes she'd come closer but she stays right where she is and it feels like some Romeo and Juliet shit because she's standing on the balcony and he's down here. He thinks that's the end of her answer and it's kind of a blow but when she finishes and says, "maybe" is really catches him off guard. He knows her place is at the vault because she's had a boner for it her entire life. It isn't that bad, and under her rule it'll probably be great. Trying to get her to come with him is a waste of energy and he gets it. It wouldn't be Amata if she upped and left.

"Don't hurt yourself." He decides that he'll make it easier. It's too much on him anyway, this sappy stuff. "You need all the brain power you can get to fix up this place."

He's happy he did because even though he can see tears brimming her eyes she's smiling at him like she did the time they were in the clinic.

"Don't die out there."

"You think I'm gonna die out there? I'm the most baddass-est dude to ever come from the vault and you think I'm gonna die? Please!"

He pushes the button and both of them shield their eyes from the intense light that hits them through the tunnel. He'll have to get used to that, maybe get some shades. It really settles in when the clunking of his boots against the metal floor hush itself beneath the dirt. He's almost out and it excites him and makes him want to puke at the same time. He turns back one last time and he can see Amata's silhouette against the light and knows he won't be seeing her for a real long time.

"Don't worry about me too much!" He salutes her with two fingers and never looks back.

* * *

**Notes: **This is my first fallout fanfiction and obviously it's cheesy as fuck because unlike Butch I am a corn ball like Sinatra. Feedback is appreciated.


End file.
